


Nails in my Veins

by lilolilyrae



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Body Horror, Dark, F/F, I usually tag things with, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, but this one's worse so, rated t for trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 05:41:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26468128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae
Summary: Andromache is gone, and Quynh is past caring about anything but trying to join her.
Kudos: 12





	Nails in my Veins

**Author's Note:**

> This is... Heavy. Proceed with caution.

Slitting open my wrists, watching the blood flow freely-

Watching the skin knit back together in front of my eyes.

I didn't cut them to have a moments relief, dammit!

I had wanted a reminder. 

Maybe I should cut off my hands, for a longer reprieve 

Except 

_Except_

Then I can't use them for anything else while they are growing back

And something growing back is almost a _good_ pain, a pain I welcomed even when I still had a modicum of- even when I had still been some version of _sane_.

It won't keep bleeding.

It won't keep bleeding.

I could keep scratching at my skin until all eternity and it will never keep bleeding, it will never-

No. 

Not eternity. 

My lifetime, however long that is.

I want to scream.

You mortals, you _humans_ I don't count myself to anymore- you are so lucky. 

Sure, we live longer.

But what's a longer lifetime worth if I can't know when it ends?

When I couldn't know when it would end for _her_?

I still the knife into my wrist and leave it there, only for my flesh to spit it out again and heal itself anyway.

Maybe I should stick a nail in there.

Something small might stick... Except no, it wont, because even bullets fall out of us in mere moments.

I think about spearing myself on a larger piece of metal, but the thought of immobility is almost worse than the thought of eternal life.

Cutting off my head is a no for the same reason. It takes too long to re-grow a body, and I would just be lying there, unable to move.

Not that I'm doing any moving now, either.

If I stand on top of a bomb while it explodes? This century has so many pretty inventions. 

I still doubt I would stay dead. And I would be healing again, not actually hurting. 

Back to the nail. If I could tape the would shut, would it stay in? Or just wreck the tape?

If I take a longer nail, all the way through, put slabs on each side.. 

It's a thought.

One for tomorrow. 

Whenever I decide 'tomorrow' is.

I'm staring at the sky, knife long dropped from my grasp.

My legs are in an uncomfortable position under my body. It's not quite pain, but still I welcome it.

I think I could sleep like this.

Maybe I did sleep, maybe this is the next day already, who knows?

I watch the clouds above.

I've never believed in gods, I don't believe in an _after_ , but I can't help thinking of the _what ifs_ , of Andromache looking down at me.

She would not be amused.

She isn't my keeper.

I bite down on my lip, ignoring the reflex in my brain that says it's too much, you're already drawing blood.

Did you know the human jawbone is strong enough to bite through fingers?

We just normally don't, our minds telling us to stop, not allowing the action. 

Your minds normally saying that.

Mine is long used to myself.

**Author's Note:**

> Happier fanfiction [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26440240/chapters/64417960)!


End file.
